Shitty Movie Critic Reviews Shitty Movie – Mad Max: Fury Road edition

I’m gonna let you know, right here, right now, that I am not one to actually go to the cinema. That, and like twenty other things, including, most prominently my lack of follow through in the subject of movies, makes this column as irregular as my faith in American politics. But miracles of miracles, I made it out to Mad Max: Fury Road on its opening weekend and I’ve got opinions (sort of).

I’ve never seen any of the old Mad Max movies. But I’ve watched a lot of professional wrestling in my life, and I know that like one hundred different dudes worked gimmicks that were based on or inspired by the characters and the world of the Mad Max movies. So, like a bunch of other things I’ve never actually read, listened to, or watched, I know what I know through context and repeated cultural mentions and that seems like it qualifies me enough to write this movie review.

Also of note? I knew the movie was getting super good reviews, I forgot my glasses (sometimes that ends with me getting motion sickness), I had to sit in the second row (because the theater was jammed). So, that’s enough background on everything, let’s review this sumbitch.

Shit was mad bleak, dude. Spoiler alert. Hella bleak. But it’s not because it’s got loud music and ambient noises and modified jalopies ostensibly created to serve as winged chariots of death. No. It’s bleak because you know that future isn’t that far off, we’re running head long into a dried up, post-apocalyptic world where Immortal will be the only band left to play the seventh inning stretch at Major League Baseball games, but because they’re the only band, there’ll only be two games per day so they can take their Immortalcopter from city to city.

We’ve got water scarcity in effect. Fuel shortages. Everybody is heavily armed with some next level firepower, and apparently the moral compass of the world is not only broken, but has been thrown to the bottom of the sea (that has likewise disappeared).

When I see a movie like Mad Max: Fury Road, I’m conflicted.

On the one hand, like every other yokel, I’m captivated by the setting and the costumes and the near constant, high speed, highway tearing, road barreling action. It’s visually appealing. Therein lies my problem.

When I look at it, instead of saying, “Jesus Christ in Chattanooga! If this is what’s coming, we have to stop it! Everybody meet up at Town Hall,” I say something like, “Yeah, I wonder how long I could last. I’d like to drive my car that recklessly. Think I could work my way up the corporate chain of command at this outfit?”

So in its being appealing, like all the other shit on tv, there is this weird as fuck tendency to covet it so hard that you manifest it. You don’t even know what you want or why you want it, it’s simply by virtue of the thing being on a screen for us to view, to know we weren’t part of the process, to crave it for ourselves. We are sick.

In post-apocalyptic, permanently dried out version of us, we will be sicker.

Probably there’s going to be a lot of corpse paint and souped up Land Cruisers with ridiculous suspensions and big ass tires like it was Gravedigger vs. Bigfoot and it was 1988 and ESPN needed programming.

Anyway, as a grouchy dude who usually legit hates the movies he sees in the theater, I can’t complain about this one. It was fun. It was fast. It never dragged. There were well thought out spooky effects going on (dude strapped to the front of a vehicle playing a guitar like he was auditioning for Mayhem, this weird, ominous ambient noise that played intermittently and made you feel the dread you were supposed to) and non-stop action filmed in a coherent way.

I also had a thought while I was watching the movie that some of the, for lack of a better term, “battle scenes,” kinda reminded me of what Cirque Du Soleil will look like in the bleak future. There was a delicateness and a gymnastic artistry to the fights that somehow enhanced the lawless horror of the world by contrasting it with such physical beauty and control.

In whole, I really liked Mad Max: Fury Road. I’ve got no complaints about any of the performances, the setting and the costuming were amazing, the stunts were likewise brilliant. But if you see it, you should go home and conserve some water and feed the hungry in your town. We need to manifest more beauty in the world by coveting a non-wasteland. You get 2 hours of playtime, then we get to work.

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About Ben 56 Articles
Ben LeRoy writes about a lot of things, but really loves talking about music. In his pre-retirement life he ran a publishing company. Now he gardens and travels and pretends to have authority on cultural matters.

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